The People of Fredrickson International
PO Box 260
Weybridge
Kent
KT130YH

Dear Mr "Fredrickson International Post Opener":

I really, really enjoyed talking to your guy on Tuesday. At lunchtime. During my very short lunch break. I'd been having a bit of a crappy day, to be honest, and it was good to have a real whinge at somebody; even if it was about this tedious problem. Please do find the bloke I was talking to and apologize for me. I doubt that I improved his day. It's just that I really am fed up to the back teeth with this now. The rest of my day went swimmingly though. Having a bit of a rant really perked me up.

Anyway, it would seem from what I read on the internet that the best way to get anything done when trying to resolve a problem with a large company that doesn't give two hoots about you is to write a letter that's different and funny enough to be remembered. Then you post it on the internet and hope that everyone forwards a copy to their friends until suddenly the whole world knows how utterly, utterly shite the big bad business has been.

Unfortunately, I'm just not that witty or original. I have had compliments on my drawing though. So, if it's alright by you, I intend to illustrate this letter with some fine-art representations of exactly what happened.

I don't remember when I started my service with Talk Talk. I do remember that I was lying in bed with a hangover when the salesman called.

Me hung-over agreeing to a relationship with Talk Talk

He mumbled something about Talk Talk taking over the company I had been using and offered me free broadband. I think it was then, in that enfeebled state that I made what appears now to be a rather regrettable decision. I'm told it's quite common for men to make regrettable decisions in bed under the influence of alcohol.

As with any new relationship, my time with Talk Talk started a little hesitantly but we soon settled down into a nice routine. My family and I barely used the phone and Talk Talk billed us for it. I even used the free broadband a couple of times, when my cable based broadband wasn't working. But then.. I guess the magic disappeared. I'm afraid to admit I had my head turned by an attractive offering from a Virgin.

You know what? I'm not a cheating man (at least, not since my early twenties). I wasn't going to string Talk Talk along whilst embarking on an exciting new relationship with Virgin. But, no fear! When you swap providers the former gets an automatic notice. You don't even have to phone them up and dump them yourself.

I remember the date I started my relationship with Virgin. Well, I say I remember. I phoned them up and asked them. You know us men. We're never any good at remembering anniversaries. 21st August. That was the date. From 21st August 2009 I got all of my home telephone services from Virgin Media. That was that, I thought.

But I continued receiving bills from Talk Talk. Like little letters from an ex-girlfriend who's trying to pretend she's still part of your life. I tried to talk to her, erm sorry, them. I did, honest. But in the end I had to cancel my direct debit just to stop her, sorry, them taking money from my bank account.

That did it. They didn't like that. They stopped talking to me. No phone calls, no letters. But that suited me down to the ground cos I'm happy with Virgin. I think they might be the one. I can see us having a happy relationship for a long time.

Me and Virgin being happy

But then, early this year, Roxburghe Debt Collectors started chasing me for payment of a debt to Talk Talk. It was over £120 by the time we'd sorted it all out!

I explained the situation to the very nice people at Roxburghe. I guess you probably know them don't you. The internet tells me that Talk Talk use them and then turn to you when people manage to convince them that no money is due. Honestly, I don't know why you let them treat you like that. I did a little search today and I was shocked. Try it. "Roxburghe" and "Fredrickson". It doesn't put you in a good light.

The nice bloke at Roxburghe told me to talk to Talk Talk. I didn't hold out much hope but still, I rang them. I got talking to another really nice guy who told me it was clear what had happened and who tried to back date the end of my contract (can you believe they'd not cancelled it until February?) and cancel the bill. I think he got a bit of a telling off for trying to help me cos he came back on the line and said his manager had told him he couldn't do that and that I'd have to fax proof of when Virgin and I got together.

So, despite not having a fax machine, I did that. I phoned the fax number and made "czchzzz weee buzzz shhchchchzchzk" noises whilst looking at the documents. (I didn't really. I downloaded copies of my Virgin bills from Virgin's really clever and helpful website. Talk Talk should really get one of them. And then I went round to see my Father in Law. He still has a fax machine cos he's never really got the hang of scanning and emailing documents cos he's a bit behind the times. Oh. That was a bit indelicate of me wasn't it? You've not quite got the hang of having documents emailed to you either. That's why I'm having to write this rather meandering and overly long letter.)

Me pretending to talk to a fax machine

Anyways up, the fax to Talk Talk didn't do the trick. Are we seeing a bit of a pattern here? So a few weeks later Roxburghe wrote to me again. And phoned. Apparently I now had only 72 hours to deal with debt and make payment. I explained to the (new) person at Roxburghe all over again about the problem with Talk Talk and that I'd sent a fax with proof. Guess what? Roxburghe are a bit more "down wit' the kidz", a bit more "hapnin'", a bit more "sick!" (I don't get that last one either. But I'm assured by my kids that it means "good" or "cool"). They let me email them the PDFs I'd downloaded from Virgin's really rather good website.

A representation of the phrase "sick!" from my son.

It obviously took a little while for Roxburghe to read their emails. I bet they get loads. Cos the a few days later my wife took a phone call from a bailiffs. This worried her a lot. Did I mention my wife is ill? I told your man that I spoke to the other day. She has cluster migraines and they're aggravated by stress. She had a doozie of a migraine that day I can tell you. In fact this whole thing has caused her no end of pain.

It was OK though. When I phoned the bailiffs back they told me that Roxburghe had cancelled all action. I've not heard from Roxburghe since, which is a little disappointing. I was at least expecting a goodbye call. I'll miss them. They were a part of my life for nearly 2 months and now they're not. I'm guessing they realised Talk Talk was messing them about though.

So now here we are. You and me. It's kinda odd isn't it? That somebody so inept, so mean, so full of fuckwittery as Talk Talk should bring us together. And we have so much in common. There's..... erm. Well, there's...... Ooh, I know, we're both being screwed by Talk Talk. I'm being pursued for a debt I don't owe and you're being sent to collect a debt that Talk Talk know isn't due. Not only have I told Talk Talk but also the really nice people at Roxburghe have clearly told Talk Talk that they won't pursue the debt. I understand that you get paid on results, right? So Talk Talk are making you do all this work on something that's not going to make you any money at all. You must be really angry with them. I know I would be.

Oh, and whilst we're on that vibe; I don't want to seem all bitter or anything and I know you see Talk Talk as a "valued client" (so your bloke told me the other day). But did you know they're casting dispersions about you on their website? Yep. That they are. When I Googled your name today I came through to this web-page on the Talk Talk site. http://bit.ly/c8IqCY Those scheming no goods at Talk Talk seem to be telling people that you use harassment to collect money that isn't due. And now I know that I'd be angry with them if I was you.

So, what are we to do?

I've attached a copy of my Virgin bills. The same ones I faxed to Talk Talk and then emailed to Roxburghe. (You should really think about setting up an email address. It's soooooo easy. I probably wouldn't have got around to writing this letter and you wouldn't be having to read it now if you'd had an email address. I have droned on a bit haven't I?)

As much as I'd like to spend time getting to know you, we could maybe even set up a date at a nice court building where we could talk, talk (see what I did there?) and have lunch, I'd quite like to get this resolved. I'm fairly certain a Court would agree this debt isn't due and you and Talk Talk would have spent lots of money on fancy lawyers for no reason. But, thing is, my wife's ill. I think I mentioned it. And she could do without the stress of my dicking around at Court for a day. She'd only be worried I'd screw it up.

My wife worrying.

I'd be reeeeaaaalllyy happy, therefore, if you'd have a quiet word with your friends at Talk Talk. There are at least a few nice, helpful people there - I've spoken to some of them on the phone. See if you can't convince them to stop wasting my time and yours. It'd really make my day if they'd offer me something as an apology for their repeated cock ups and for the stress and upset they've caused my wife, but I won't hold my breath.

Oh, and BTW, whilst I was writing this Talk Talk phoned to see if we wanted to go back to them. I'm afraid I felt the need to hang up before responding to their very generous offer. I'd be extremely grateful if you would let them know that they can stick their service up their bandwidth.

Kind regards,

Sincerely,

Paul Taylor