Recently in jocoseness Category

NOPED - National Order for the Prevention of Evilness to Dads

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There is a minority group in the UK that goes completely unrepresented. This group plays a vital yet under-recognised role in British Society and it's high time there was an organisation that protected and campaigned for their rights.


Me, the boy and the cat: we're all sat in a hot car outside co-op. I note that of the three of us I'm the only one without an RSPC groupless than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet Reply


So ,here it is. This is where we take a stand, draw a line in the sand and put our feet down. No more taking Dads for granted. No more placing Dads in mortal danger for entertainment or expediency. Today sees the formation of:

NOPED - The National Order for the Prevention of Evilness to Dads.

First, like all charities, we need a motto/statement/diatribe. We're keeping ours short and simple:

"Don't diss Dads!"

Second we need something to campaign for. A set of values we think society should hold. A Bill of Dads' Rights, if you will. This is still a work in progress and we welcome your suggestions. So far we (I) have come up with:

  1. Dads are not unpaid taxi drivers.
  2. Don't use Dad's towel.
  3. No, I won't fix your bloody bike if you're not going to look after it properly and put it away when it's raining.

I think this part of our manifesto (oooh, we have a manifest now too. cool) needs some work. I'll be accepting suggestions.

Finally, we'll be campaigning for Royal recognition so that the NOPED can become the ROPED. Yey!

Heroin, Cocaine and Rockets Spam

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Spam email received today. I've never been offered cocaine by email before.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: <Daniel Marchall>
Date: 2011/3/1
Subject: Sale!
To: [Me]


Sale!

1. Heroin, in liquid and crystal form.
2. Rocket fuel and Tomohawk rockets (serious enquiries only).
4. New shipment of cocaine has arrived, buy 9 grams and get 10th for free.

Everyone is welcome, but not US citizens.

ATTENTION. Clearance offer. Buy 30 grams of heroin, get 5 free.

Prices upon reqeust:

Our email: [redacted]

PHONE [redacted]
FAX [redacted]

Afghanistan

The Best Blond(e) Joke Ever!!

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This blonde joke may be old (over 4 years since I first saw it) but it's still funny.


My son is soooooo middle-class

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Meanwhile, it would appear my son, MicroAardva...

Image by theaardvark via Flickr

Last week, MicroAardvark (8) came home from Beaver Scouts with a letter to parents about an activity for a food badge. The letter included a tear-off and return slip asking if there was any food he wasn't able to eat or didn't like.

He sat straight down at the table and wrote in a list of 3 food items. They were:


  1. Courgette
  2. Feta Cheese
  3. Olives
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Gunk. "Grease", the Black Country Version

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Gunk.

Sedgely High School production of Grease.
Maken a noise like a gleed under a door

1. "Graise" Frankie Valli 3:24

2. "Summa Noyits" John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John 3:35

3. "Oy Loike Yow" Olivia Newton-John 3:04

4. "Yowm the wun what I want, yowm am" John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John 2:48

5. "Oi Sandz" John Travolta 2:31

6. "Beyaty Skul Clarnit" Frankie Avalon 3:59

7. "Ark at Me, I'm Sozza Dee" Stockard Channing, Didi Conn, Dinah Manoff and Jamie Donnelly 1:40

8. "Wosha'" John Travolta 3:13

9. "It's Rennin on Prom Noyit" Cindy Bullens 2:51

10. "Aloon at the Flay Pit" (instrumental) 2:24

11. "Blaw Mun" Sha-Na-Na 2:20

12. "Rock n' Rowl Is eya to Stoy" Sha-Na-Na 2:03

13. "Those Mojic Chonges" Sha-Na-Na 2:18

14. "Howund Dorg" Sha-Na-Na 1:24

15. "Born to Donnie Dance" Sha-Na-Na 4:37

16. "Blartin on me Pilla" Sha-Na-Na 2:02

17. "Moonen" Louis St. Louis and Cindy Bullens 4:37

18. "Freddy, Mo Mon" Cindy Bullens 4:37

19. "Rock n' Rowl Crack Wench" Louis St. Louis 2:11

20. "Thess'n Wuss Thangs I Cud Do" Stockard Channing 2:22

21. "Ark at Me, I'm Sozza Dee" (agen) Olivia Newton-John 1:28

22. "We wanna gow togever" John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John 3:00

23. "Love's a Bostin' Tranklement" (instrumental) 1:23

24. "Graise" (tararabit) Frankie Valli 4:37

 

(Suggestions for changes to the above are welcomed, particuarly changing the names to Black Country appropriate names).

Genuis: A definition

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genuis /dʒ'iːnəis/

Synonyms: noun: Imperator defined talent

genui
plural

  1. Genius is very great ability or skill in a particular subject or activity defined as and when by Krzysztof D'Aardvark, The Imperator.
    • This is the mark of her real genuis as a finder of lost items.
    • The man had genuis and people revered him as the font of useless information.
    • This very blog post is a stroke of genuis.
  2. A Genuis is a person capable of activities of such abilities or skills.
    • theaardvark is not just a genuis, he is incredibly modest, handsome and generous too.

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Theaardvark!

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Ten Top Trivia Tips about Theaardvark!

  1. Theaardvark is the sacred animal of Thailand.
  2. Theaardvark was declared extinct in 1902.
  3. An average beaver can cut down theaardvark every year.
  4. Theaardvark can smell some things up to six miles away.
  5. In Chinese, the sound 'theaardvark' means 'bite the wax tadpole'!
  6. The first toy product ever advertised on television was Mr Theaardvark Head.
  7. Theaardvark can taste with his feet.
  8. Theaardvark was invented in China in the eleventh century, but was only used for fireworks, never for weapons!
  9. The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armour raised their visors to reveal theaardvark.
  10. Theaardvark cannot burp - there is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in his stomach.
I am interested in - do tell me about
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The best blond(e) joke ever

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This blond(e) joke is such a classic, I couldn't leave it to stagnate on my old site.

As a natural blond (although, perversely, getting darker as I get older) I like a good blond joke.

House Husband - Job Description

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My Sister's (Facebook / Twitter) partner has just quit his job to become a full time house husband so she can work full time. She waited until just after he'd quit his job to hand him the following job description for his new role.

Job Title: Househusband

 

JOB DESCRIPTION:

You will be expected to 'live in' at place of work and provide cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, psychotherapeutic support, nursing, teaching, entertainment and secretarial services for the family.
The househusband is responsible for all household and childcare duties. Additionally, the househusband is responsible for ensuring that harmony exists between all individuals living in the home. Love, care, and kindness are all attributes that must be exhibited by the househusband. Caring for the wife is crucial, and it is expected that the househusband will provide for her emotional, physical, and spiritual needs. A househusband should also maintain personal hygiene and take care of his physical body through proper eating and regular exercise. While there is not a strict dress code, it is expected that between the hours of 7 am and 10 pm, the househusband will be clean shaven and will not be wearing dressing gown or other lounge wear. The househusband is expected to cry no more than 1 time per month, for a maximum of 5 minutes.


Duties


Household:

  • Sweeping/mopping - at least once per day
  • Dusting - at least twice per week
  • Vacuuming - at least once per week
  • Tidying - as required to maintain a hazard free, presentable environment
  • Straightening up - at least once per day, preferably before 5pm
  • Doing the dishes/loading dishwasher - as often as needed so that dishes do not extend over the corners of the sink
  • Scrubbing bathrooms - at least once every week or twice weekly if any potty-trained children reside in the home
  • Doing the laundry - as often as necessary so that clean socks and underwear can easily be located
  • Ironing as needed - ironing basket should be no more than ½ full at any time
  • Other duties as assigned

Hours:

  • You will be 'on call' 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, especially for psychotherapeutic and nursing services. But your regular work will take between 50 and 100 hours per week, depending on: age, health and number of children or disabled people in household; standards of work demanded by employer; size and condition of house.

  

Childcare:

  • Feeding - 3 well balanced meals each day with 1-2 healthy snacks
  • Ensure children are well mannered at all times and never repeat any obscenities that may have been overheard
  • The househusband should know the exact whereabouts of the children at any given time
  • Bathing - at least 4 baths per week including hair washing
  • Dressing/Grooming - children will be dressed by 8am with fresh, clean, ironed clothes. Fingernails and toenails must be trimmed so that no more than 3mm of nail be exposed past the end of the digit.
  • Haircare - any requested hairstyle should be attempted,  plaits/pleats/high ponytails/bunches are all regularly required
  • Emotional Caring - holding each child for at least 20 minutes per day. Saying "I love you" to each child at least 3 times a day
  • Developmental - reading to or listening to each child read for at least 20 minutes per day at least 4 times a week
  • Annual/bi-annual visits to elderly relatives, ensuring the children are respectful and courteous
  • Attend classes and groups as required, partaking in singing/dancing/nursery rhymes.
  • Delivery to, and collecting from any extra-curricular activities
  • Discussing the merits of high school musical vs Hannah Montana with the children without displaying any visible signs of irony, sarcasm or mind numbing boredom
  • Acting as a psychoanalyst in all matters pertinent to the child at that time
  • Referee any arguments/debates to ensure a satisfactory outcome

Qualifications/Requirements:

  • Must have a high threshold for pain and a high tolerance for nagging, bothering, begging, crying, and loud noises
  • Must be willing and able to stand for extensive periods of time, to crawl on the floor, to enter tight and cramped spaces, and to climb chairs and tables to obtain objects in difficult to reach places
  • Must be willing and able to operate on 4-6 hours of sleep
  • Should be able to handle multiple difficult situations at once
  • Should be well versed on the phone and in writing
  • Must possess negotiation skills to handle requests from both children and adults
  • Can calmly handle stressful situations without yelling, throwing, swearing, hitting, storming out of rooms, or slamming doors
  • Must be able to cook whilst supervising other activities
  • Must have up to date knowledge of current children's television programmes

  

Payment:

  • An allowance is available, known as 'housekeeping money' when provided by employer and 'family allowance' or 'child benefit' when provided by the State. This money is intended to cover essential expenses such as cleaning utensils and food.
  • There is no payment for your labour as househusband.
 

Holidays:

  • Your duties will be eased if your holiday is taken in a hotel, but you will often be expected simply to do your normal work in strange surroundings while other household members enjoy their leisure

Job Security:

  • Your job will be continuously and increasingly threatened by divorce. Today two out of every three marriages are predicted to end in divorce'One year after divorce the divorced househusbands standard of living drops by 73 percent, while that of his ex-employer rises by 42 per cent.

Work Hazards:

  • Insomnia, palpitations, boredom, headaches, dizziness, nightmares and anxiety ('housewives' syndrome') are much more common among househusbands than men in paid employment.

 

Fringe Benefits:

  • Your board and lodgings will usually be provided, but you will normally be expected to share a bedroom (and bed) with your employer.
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I fancy your Mum Shaun

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This is one of my favourite adverts of all time. I couldn't tell you why but I suddenly started searching for it tonight.

"Alright Shauny, Shauny, Shauny!"

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