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Letter to Talk Talk's debt collectors

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Below is the content from a letter to Fredrickson International, debt collectors for Talk Talk. Talk Talk seem intent on collecting a debt we don't owe them and it's really starting to get on my tits. I think the letter explains everything.

The People of Fredrickson International
PO Box 260
Weybridge
Kent
KT130YH

Dear Mr "Fredrickson International Post Opener":

I really, really enjoyed talking to your guy on Tuesday. At lunchtime. During my very short lunch break. I'd been having a bit of a crappy day, to be honest, and it was good to have a real whinge at somebody; even if it was about this tedious problem. Please do find the bloke I was talking to and apologize for me. I doubt that I improved his day. It's just that I really am fed up to the back teeth with this now. The rest of my day went swimmingly though. Having a bit of a rant really perked me up.

Anyway, it would seem from what I read on the internet that the best way to get anything done when trying to resolve a problem with a large company that doesn't give two hoots about you is to write a letter that's different and funny enough to be remembered. Then you post it on the internet and hope that everyone forwards a copy to their friends until suddenly the whole world knows how utterly, utterly shite the big bad business has been.

Unfortunately, I'm just not that witty or original. I have had compliments on my drawing though. So, if it's alright by you, I intend to illustrate this letter with some fine-art representations of exactly what happened.

I don't remember when I started my service with Talk Talk. I do remember that I was lying in bed with a hangover when the salesman called.

Hungover Acceptance

Me hung-over agreeing to a relationship with Talk Talk

He mumbled something about Talk Talk taking over the company I had been using and offered me free broadband. I think it was then, in that enfeebled state that I made what appears now to be a rather regrettable decision. I'm told it's quite common for men to make regrettable decisions in bed under the influence of alcohol.

As with any new relationship, my time with Talk Talk started a little hesitantly but we soon settled down into a nice routine. My family and I barely used the phone and Talk Talk billed us for it. I even used the free broadband a couple of times, when my cable based broadband wasn't working. But then.. I guess the magic disappeared. I'm afraid to admit I had my head turned by an attractive offering from a Virgin.

You know what? I'm not a cheating man (at least, not since my early twenties). I wasn't going to string Talk Talk along whilst embarking on an exciting new relationship with Virgin. But, no fear! When you swap providers the former gets an automatic notice. You don't even have to phone them up and dump them yourself.

I remember the date I started my relationship with Virgin. Well, I say I remember. I phoned them up and asked them. You know us men. We're never any good at remembering anniversaries. 21st August. That was the date. From 21st August 2009 I got all of my home telephone services from Virgin Media. That was that, I thought.

But I continued receiving bills from Talk Talk. Like little letters from an ex-girlfriend who's trying to pretend she's still part of your life. I tried to talk to her, erm sorry, them. I did, honest. But in the end I had to cancel my direct debit just to stop her, sorry, them taking money from my bank account.

That did it. They didn't like that. They stopped talking to me. No phone calls, no letters. But that suited me down to the ground cos I'm happy with Virgin. I think they might be the one. I can see us having a happy relationship for a long time.

me & virgin

Me and Virgin being happy

But then, early this year, Roxburghe Debt Collectors started chasing me for payment of a debt to Talk Talk. It was over £120 by the time we'd sorted it all out!

I explained the situation to the very nice people at Roxburghe. I guess you probably know them don't you. The internet tells me that Talk Talk use them and then turn to you when people manage to convince them that no money is due. Honestly, I don't know why you let them treat you like that. I did a little search today and I was shocked. Try it. "Roxburghe" and "Fredrickson". It doesn't put you in a good light.

The nice bloke at Roxburghe told me to talk to Talk Talk. I didn't hold out much hope but still, I rang them. I got talking to another really nice guy who told me it was clear what had happened and who tried to back date the end of my contract (can you believe they'd not cancelled it until February?) and cancel the bill. I think he got a bit of a telling off for trying to help me cos he came back on the line and said his manager had told him he couldn't do that and that I'd have to fax proof of when Virgin and I got together.

So, despite not having a fax machine, I did that. I phoned the fax number and made "czchzzz weee buzzz shhchchchzchzk" noises whilst looking at the documents. (I didn't really. I downloaded copies of my Virgin bills from Virgin's really clever and helpful website. Talk Talk should really get one of them. And then I went round to see my Father in Law. He still has a fax machine cos he's never really got the hang of scanning and emailing documents cos he's a bit behind the times. Oh. That was a bit indelicate of me wasn't it? You've not quite got the hang of having documents emailed to you either. That's why I'm having to write this rather meandering and overly long letter.)

me fax

Me pretending to talk to a fax machine

Anyways up, the fax to Talk Talk didn't do the trick. Are we seeing a bit of a pattern here? So a few weeks later Roxburghe wrote to me again. And phoned. Apparently I now had only 72 hours to deal with debt and make payment. I explained to the (new) person at Roxburghe all over again about the problem with Talk Talk and that I'd sent a fax with proof. Guess what? Roxburghe are a bit more "down wit' the kidz", a bit more "hapnin'", a bit more "sick!" (I don't get that last one either. But I'm assured by my kids that it means "good" or "cool"). They let me email them the PDFs I'd downloaded from Virgin's really rather good website.

Sick

A representation of the phrase "sick!" from my son.

It obviously took a little while for Roxburghe to read their emails. I bet they get loads. Cos the a few days later my wife took a phone call from a bailiffs. This worried her a lot. Did I mention my wife is ill? I told your man that I spoke to the other day. She has cluster migraines and they're aggravated by stress. She had a doozie of a migraine that day I can tell you. In fact this whole thing has caused her no end of pain.

It was OK though. When I phoned the bailiffs back they told me that Roxburghe had cancelled all action. I've not heard from Roxburghe since, which is a little disappointing. I was at least expecting a goodbye call. I'll miss them. They were a part of my life for nearly 2 months and now they're not. I'm guessing they realised Talk Talk was messing them about though.

So now here we are. You and me. It's kinda odd isn't it? That somebody so inept, so mean, so full of fuckwittery as Talk Talk should bring us together. And we have so much in common. There's..... erm. Well, there's...... Ooh, I know, we're both being screwed by Talk Talk. I'm being pursued for a debt I don't owe and you're being sent to collect a debt that Talk Talk know isn't due. Not only have I told Talk Talk but also the really nice people at Roxburghe have clearly told Talk Talk that they won't pursue the debt. I understand that you get paid on results, right? So Talk Talk are making you do all this work on something that's not going to make you any money at all. You must be really angry with them. I know I would be.

Oh, and whilst we're on that vibe; I don't want to seem all bitter or anything and I know you see Talk Talk as a "valued client" (so your bloke told me the other day). But did you know they're casting dispersions about you on their website? Yep. That they are. When I Googled your name today I came through to this web-page on the Talk Talk site. http://bit.ly/c8IqCY Those scheming no goods at Talk Talk seem to be telling people that you use harassment to collect money that isn't due. And now I know that I'd be angry with them if I was you.

So, what are we to do?

I've attached a copy of my Virgin bills. The same ones I faxed to Talk Talk and then emailed to Roxburghe. (You should really think about setting up an email address. It's soooooo easy. I probably wouldn't have got around to writing this letter and you wouldn't be having to read it now if you'd had an email address. I have droned on a bit haven't I?)

As much as I'd like to spend time getting to know you, we could maybe even set up a date at a nice court building where we could talk, talk (see what I did there?) and have lunch, I'd quite like to get this resolved. I'm fairly certain a Court would agree this debt isn't due and you and Talk Talk would have spent lots of money on fancy lawyers for no reason. But, thing is, my wife's ill. I think I mentioned it. And she could do without the stress of my dicking around at Court for a day. She'd only be worried I'd screw it up.

Worried Wife

My wife worrying.

I'd be reeeeaaaalllyy happy, therefore, if you'd have a quiet word with your friends at Talk Talk. There are at least a few nice, helpful people there - I've spoken to some of them on the phone. See if you can't convince them to stop wasting my time and yours. It'd really make my day if they'd offer me something as an apology for their repeated cock ups and for the stress and upset they've caused my wife, but I won't hold my breath.

Oh, and BTW, whilst I was writing this Talk Talk phoned to see if we wanted to go back to them. I'm afraid I felt the need to hang up before responding to their very generous offer. I'd be extremely grateful if you would let them know that they can stick their service up their bandwidth.

Kind regards,

Sincerely,

 

Paul Taylor

If you wanna see the physical copy:

Fredrickson Letter P1Fredrickson Letter P2Fredrickson Letter P3Fredrickson Letter P4Fredrickson Letter P5Fredrickson Letter P6

In the spirit of the letter, I'd really (really) appreciate it if you'd repost, tweet and link to this page. Ta! :)

Update: We've had a reply.

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Gunk. "Grease", the Black Country Version

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Gunk.

Sedgely High School production of Grease.
Maken a noise like a gleed under a door

1. "Graise" Frankie Valli 3:24

2. "Summa Noyits" John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John 3:35

3. "Oy Loike Yow" Olivia Newton-John 3:04

4. "Yowm the wun what I want, yowm am" John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John 2:48

5. "Oi Sandz" John Travolta 2:31

6. "Beyaty Skul Clarnit" Frankie Avalon 3:59

7. "Ark at Me, I'm Sozza Dee" Stockard Channing, Didi Conn, Dinah Manoff and Jamie Donnelly 1:40

8. "Wosha'" John Travolta 3:13

9. "It's Rennin on Prom Noyit" Cindy Bullens 2:51

10. "Aloon at the Flay Pit" (instrumental) 2:24

11. "Blaw Mun" Sha-Na-Na 2:20

12. "Rock n' Rowl Is eya to Stoy" Sha-Na-Na 2:03

13. "Those Mojic Chonges" Sha-Na-Na 2:18

14. "Howund Dorg" Sha-Na-Na 1:24

15. "Born to Donnie Dance" Sha-Na-Na 4:37

16. "Blartin on me Pilla" Sha-Na-Na 2:02

17. "Moonen" Louis St. Louis and Cindy Bullens 4:37

18. "Freddy, Mo Mon" Cindy Bullens 4:37

19. "Rock n' Rowl Crack Wench" Louis St. Louis 2:11

20. "Thess'n Wuss Thangs I Cud Do" Stockard Channing 2:22

21. "Ark at Me, I'm Sozza Dee" (agen) Olivia Newton-John 1:28

22. "We wanna gow togever" John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John 3:00

23. "Love's a Bostin' Tranklement" (instrumental) 1:23

24. "Graise" (tararabit) Frankie Valli 4:37

 

(Suggestions for changes to the above are welcomed, particuarly changing the names to Black Country appropriate names).

Genuis: A definition

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genuis /dʒ'iːnəis/

Synonyms: noun: Imperator defined talent

genui
plural

  1. Genius is very great ability or skill in a particular subject or activity defined as and when by Krzysztof D'Aardvark, The Imperator.
    • This is the mark of her real genuis as a finder of lost items.
    • The man had genuis and people revered him as the font of useless information.
    • This very blog post is a stroke of genuis.
  2. A Genuis is a person capable of activities of such abilities or skills.
    • theaardvark is not just a genuis, he is incredibly modest, handsome and generous too.

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Theaardvark!

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Ten Top Trivia Tips about Theaardvark!

  1. Theaardvark is the sacred animal of Thailand.
  2. Theaardvark was declared extinct in 1902.
  3. An average beaver can cut down theaardvark every year.
  4. Theaardvark can smell some things up to six miles away.
  5. In Chinese, the sound 'theaardvark' means 'bite the wax tadpole'!
  6. The first toy product ever advertised on television was Mr Theaardvark Head.
  7. Theaardvark can taste with his feet.
  8. Theaardvark was invented in China in the eleventh century, but was only used for fireworks, never for weapons!
  9. The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armour raised their visors to reveal theaardvark.
  10. Theaardvark cannot burp - there is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in his stomach.
I am interested in - do tell me about
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The best blond(e) joke ever

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This blond(e) joke is such a classic, I couldn't leave it to stagnate on my old site.

As a natural blond (although, perversely, getting darker as I get older) I like a good blond joke.

House Husband - Job Description

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My Sister's (Facebook / Twitter) partner has just quit his job to become a full time house husband so she can work full time. She waited until just after he'd quit his job to hand him the following job description for his new role.

Job Title: Househusband

 

JOB DESCRIPTION:

You will be expected to 'live in' at place of work and provide cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, psychotherapeutic support, nursing, teaching, entertainment and secretarial services for the family.
The househusband is responsible for all household and childcare duties. Additionally, the househusband is responsible for ensuring that harmony exists between all individuals living in the home. Love, care, and kindness are all attributes that must be exhibited by the househusband. Caring for the wife is crucial, and it is expected that the househusband will provide for her emotional, physical, and spiritual needs. A househusband should also maintain personal hygiene and take care of his physical body through proper eating and regular exercise. While there is not a strict dress code, it is expected that between the hours of 7 am and 10 pm, the househusband will be clean shaven and will not be wearing dressing gown or other lounge wear. The househusband is expected to cry no more than 1 time per month, for a maximum of 5 minutes.


Duties


Household:

  • Sweeping/mopping - at least once per day
  • Dusting - at least twice per week
  • Vacuuming - at least once per week
  • Tidying - as required to maintain a hazard free, presentable environment
  • Straightening up - at least once per day, preferably before 5pm
  • Doing the dishes/loading dishwasher - as often as needed so that dishes do not extend over the corners of the sink
  • Scrubbing bathrooms - at least once every week or twice weekly if any potty-trained children reside in the home
  • Doing the laundry - as often as necessary so that clean socks and underwear can easily be located
  • Ironing as needed - ironing basket should be no more than ½ full at any time
  • Other duties as assigned

Hours:

  • You will be 'on call' 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, especially for psychotherapeutic and nursing services. But your regular work will take between 50 and 100 hours per week, depending on: age, health and number of children or disabled people in household; standards of work demanded by employer; size and condition of house.

  

Childcare:

  • Feeding - 3 well balanced meals each day with 1-2 healthy snacks
  • Ensure children are well mannered at all times and never repeat any obscenities that may have been overheard
  • The househusband should know the exact whereabouts of the children at any given time
  • Bathing - at least 4 baths per week including hair washing
  • Dressing/Grooming - children will be dressed by 8am with fresh, clean, ironed clothes. Fingernails and toenails must be trimmed so that no more than 3mm of nail be exposed past the end of the digit.
  • Haircare - any requested hairstyle should be attempted,  plaits/pleats/high ponytails/bunches are all regularly required
  • Emotional Caring - holding each child for at least 20 minutes per day. Saying "I love you" to each child at least 3 times a day
  • Developmental - reading to or listening to each child read for at least 20 minutes per day at least 4 times a week
  • Annual/bi-annual visits to elderly relatives, ensuring the children are respectful and courteous
  • Attend classes and groups as required, partaking in singing/dancing/nursery rhymes.
  • Delivery to, and collecting from any extra-curricular activities
  • Discussing the merits of high school musical vs Hannah Montana with the children without displaying any visible signs of irony, sarcasm or mind numbing boredom
  • Acting as a psychoanalyst in all matters pertinent to the child at that time
  • Referee any arguments/debates to ensure a satisfactory outcome

Qualifications/Requirements:

  • Must have a high threshold for pain and a high tolerance for nagging, bothering, begging, crying, and loud noises
  • Must be willing and able to stand for extensive periods of time, to crawl on the floor, to enter tight and cramped spaces, and to climb chairs and tables to obtain objects in difficult to reach places
  • Must be willing and able to operate on 4-6 hours of sleep
  • Should be able to handle multiple difficult situations at once
  • Should be well versed on the phone and in writing
  • Must possess negotiation skills to handle requests from both children and adults
  • Can calmly handle stressful situations without yelling, throwing, swearing, hitting, storming out of rooms, or slamming doors
  • Must be able to cook whilst supervising other activities
  • Must have up to date knowledge of current children's television programmes

  

Payment:

  • An allowance is available, known as 'housekeeping money' when provided by employer and 'family allowance' or 'child benefit' when provided by the State. This money is intended to cover essential expenses such as cleaning utensils and food.
  • There is no payment for your labour as househusband.
 

Holidays:

  • Your duties will be eased if your holiday is taken in a hotel, but you will often be expected simply to do your normal work in strange surroundings while other household members enjoy their leisure

Job Security:

  • Your job will be continuously and increasingly threatened by divorce. Today two out of every three marriages are predicted to end in divorce'One year after divorce the divorced househusbands standard of living drops by 73 percent, while that of his ex-employer rises by 42 per cent.

Work Hazards:

  • Insomnia, palpitations, boredom, headaches, dizziness, nightmares and anxiety ('housewives' syndrome') are much more common among househusbands than men in paid employment.

 

Fringe Benefits:

  • Your board and lodgings will usually be provided, but you will normally be expected to share a bedroom (and bed) with your employer.
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I fancy your Mum Shaun

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This is one of my favourite adverts of all time. I couldn't tell you why but I suddenly started searching for it tonight.

"Alright Shauny, Shauny, Shauny!"

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Imperator of Stuff

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D. Peter II of Brazil in the oppening of the g...

Image via Wikipedia

By popular declaration (i.e. me and @grovesmedia) I have become Krzysztof D'Aardvark, Imperator of Stuff.

That is all.

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Truly Awful Aardvark Jokes

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Orycteropus afer - stuffed.

Image via Wikipedia

Honestly. They're appalling........

What is uglier than an aardvark? Two aardvarks!

What does the aardvark call his dog? Aard-bark!

What do you call a Polish aardvark? A Polaark!

Who loves hamburgers, French fries, and ants? Ronald McAardvark!

What do you call an aardvark in a frying pan? A lardvark!

How do ants hide from aardvarks? They disguise themselves as uncles!

What is the difference between an aardvark and a coyote? One has a long smeller, the other, a loud yeller!

What does an aardvark keep in his aquarium? An aard-shark!

A man wanted a new aardvark so he looked through the classified ads. He phoned a number he found and an elderly lady answered. "How much are your aardvarks?" he asked. "Theyre £6 each," came the reply. "Did you raise them yourself?" inquired the man. "Oh yes," she said, "Yesterday they were only £5 each."

Whats worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? An aardvark with the sniffles!

What do you call an aardvark that writes poems? A bardvark!

What do you call an aardvark thats just won a fight? A well aardvark!

Why does mama aardvark call her husband a cannibal? Because he ate his ant for dinner!

Whos aardvarks favorite male singer? Frank Sinostril!

What does an aardvark use when he has a cold? An ant-ihistamine!

What do you call an road construction aardvark? A tarredvark!

Who won the animal race?T he giraffe and the aardvark were running neck and neck, but the aardvark won by a nose!

What has 200 legs, 50 noses, and is very loud? A herd of stampeding aardvarks!

What do you call a boxing match between two aardvarks? A snout bout!

Why do aardvarks like to talk to ants? They can stick to the subject!

What do you call an aardvark good with a light saber? A darthvark!

What do you call an aardvark thats good at golf? A paredvark!

Two aardvarks watched in amazement as a firework flashed across the sky. 1st aardvark: Wow! I wish I could fly like that. 2nd aardvark: You would, if your tail was on fire.
 
Why was Easter the aardvarks favorite holiday? Because he liked aard-boiled eggs!

What do you call a thick-skinned aardvark? A hardvark!

Which aardvark holds the speed record? The nearsighted aardvark, who wrapped his tongue around a motorcycle!

Why do aardvarks make undesirable neighbors? Because they always have their noses in other peoples business!

Did you hear about the household appliance that eats ants and records TV shows? Its the VCRdvard

hat do you call an aardvark thats been thrown out of a pub? A barredvark!

How many aardvarks can ride on an elephant? Six... three on the back and three in the trunk!

What do you call an aardvark that plays poker? A cardvark!

What do you call a pickled aardvark?A jarredvark!

What do you call a Polish aardvark?A Polaark!

I've got a new aardvark. Would you like to play with him? I dont really know. Ive heard it growling, it doesnt sound very friendly. Does it bite? Thats what I want to find out.

Who's the aardvark's favorite female vocalist? Bearbara Streis-ant!

What are the aardvark's favorite Beatle's songs? It's Been an Aards Day's Night and I Want to Hold Your Ant!

What do you call an aardvark that's just lost a fight? A vark!

What do you call an aardvark outside Buckingham Palace? A guardvark!

Why can elephants swim - and aardvarks can t? Aardvarks don't have trunks!

Knock Knock! 
Who's there? 
Aardvark. 
Aardvark who? 
Aardvark a million miles for one of your smiles.

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ASCII & Text Boobs

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Perfect breasts
( . )( . )
Fake silicone breasts
( )( )
Perky breasts
(*)(*)
Big nipple breasts
(@)(@)
A cups
o o
D cups
{ O }{ O }
Wonder bra breasts
(oYo)
Cold breasts
( ^ )( ^ )
Lopsided breasts
(o)(O)
Pierced Breasts
(Q)(O)
Hanging Tassels Breasts
(p)(p)
Grandma's Breasts
\ o /\ o /
Against The Shower Door Breasts
(o)(o)
Android Breasts
|o| |o|

About this Archive

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